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Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
I sign all anniversary cards with ‘Way to commit to the bit!’
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..