Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
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I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
no one likes gloating
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it