I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
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what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain