does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
You Might Also Like
They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.