Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
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Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I just literally fell INSIDE a public toilet because I did too many squats earlier and couldn’t control my sitting down. This is the greatest proof I’ve ever had that fitness is not worth the struggle.
It may be an unpopular opinion, so block me if you must, but not all Girl Scout cookies are good. Their “Toast-yay!” should be called “Toast-boo!”
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*