I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
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In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Why is it, once you pick up a flyswatter, the little buggers never land
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*