The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
being my friend involves faking enthusiasm whenever I say “look how long my hair is getting”
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0