Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
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When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Me, dry heaving and wheezing: Everest was a mistake! I’m going to die alone on this godless wasteland
The Sherpa: Miss? We are still in the parking lot
Need WebMD
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.