Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
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Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
#ParentingFacts
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Something Saturday.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.