ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
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“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit