HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
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[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I once broke up with a girl for doing a May the 4th be with you joke. I did it the next day though, and called it revenge of the fifth.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan