*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
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I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’ve been obsessed with random unnecessary quotation marks since I was a kid.
This is easily the most terrifying example.