On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
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ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Watching the Olympics.
Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL!
Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.