i wish i could marry a nap
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(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down
ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*
BEE *depressed* holy shit
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.