I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
You Might Also Like
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
quarantine day 3
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Me: You need to eat vegetables instead of candy if you want to be tall.
4-year-old: I’ll just be small and happy.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.