Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
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Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Spider chilling while I’m on the loo: ……
Me:….*shoe ready in hand*
Also me: you’re actually kinda cute
Spider: *shifts uncomfortably*
Me: OH MY GAAWWWDDDD HE’S GONNA KILLLLL MEEEE……!!!!!!!!!!! *throws shoe*