8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
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Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
I have so many questions.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket