Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
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Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
NASA: *clicks talk button* You folks are probably gonna wanna stay up there for a while
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.