Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
Google Pay be like:
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.