Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
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Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.