“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
me after eating Cheetos
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Bread puns are on the rise!
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”