Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
You Might Also Like
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
I’d love this…lol
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!