Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
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Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
can’t talk my ride’s here
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation