the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
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I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
tourist season
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.