PARKOUR
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INTERVIEWER: when u read a good book, wat kind of things do u pictur in ur head
ME: [pausimg for a split second too long] words
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
we did it you guys we saved daylight
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
meow
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge: