Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
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Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.