A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
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ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
sir, my pâté if you please
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call