Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Doing math together is known as fourplay.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
This is Sparta
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what