In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
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[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro