Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
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You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
the composer
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?