I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
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Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
My daily affirmation
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
u guys got any snacks onboard here
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Milk Cube
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit