Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
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Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Something Saturday.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.