The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
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My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description