*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
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[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian