me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
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Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
😅🤣😂
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go