Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
You Might Also Like
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Denise please return my vape pen
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
Pet names convey familiarity and endearment. For example, honey pot, baby cakes, Succubus.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.