there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
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Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
i think we should see other cousins
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!