Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
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My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Imagine being The Sun and finding out there is an entire line of glasses devoted to thwarting your vibe
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
Think I pulled my liver
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.