I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
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[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
ibopfufen
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage