him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
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My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day