I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
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When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.