If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
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Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Me sliding into hell like
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
quick while the government is shut down let’s all switch to metric