you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
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My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
paddle faster i hear baby shark
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
All generalizations are stupid.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes