Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
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Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU