Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
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My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.