Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
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Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
No, thanks. Five hours of energy sounds terrifying.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.