Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
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[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
Remember when you could strangle people with your phone? Those were the days..
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
socratic questions
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.