I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
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I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Peace was never an option
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.