I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
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When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled