“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
You Might Also Like
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”